Hi, this is Paolo. Karen has not been able to type since she broke her forearm AND her keyboard, and she placed a phone call to some bank, went all white, and told me she had to lie down. (I won’t bother her with my invoices for a bit. Poor thing.) So, to humour her, I took questions from a Neil Gaiman interview, and I’m writing down the answers. As they are said. Minus the bits about sweet Lassie and Gunther’s cooking, which is the same as hers, as he puts frozen stuff in the microwave.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Thank you so much for doing this, Paolo! You are a gem. [Obviously this had to stay, but I am “editing for clarity” a bit, because the woman goes ON. Karen, if you keep protesting, I will stop. – P] My choices of men. From boyfriends, through husbands, to editors. I must say Clive, who is working on my grim dark epic fantasy romantic historical novel, has definitely not delighted me. He leaves me “notes” about “fixing” things, or removes my most brilliant metaphors and/or similes. Frankly, if I wanted criticism, I wouldn’t hire an editor, but a reviewer. Where was I? Oh yes. Men are the worst.
The worst trait in yourself?
Paolo, this question is not in the interview.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Wanting to kill and/or arrest me because of a wrong choice of a boyfriend.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
Oh dear, that was it. [She points at her cast. – P] When I fell and broke my forearm at the sight of the new face of my neighbour Vasoline. Although Lassie barked, and she is normally very quiet, and began to sprint in some random direction, and her leash, not that she needs a leash but I feel safer with it, was wrapped around my hand, but it’s definitely not Lassie’s fault. My Lassie… [edited for clarity – P]
Describe yourself in three words. Not sentences.
It doesn’t say “not sentences” in this article, Paolo. I’m not stupid. Enchanting, creative, the best friend you could… [This went on for a while. – P]
What would your superpower be?
Is that about electricity? [I explain what a superpower is – P] Oh! I must use this in a book. I wish I could write faster and just with my mind, without the keyboards. Dictation makes typos in my words, for instance it doesn’t know “in cognito” are two words, because I am IN cognito, not some latino heartthrob from the thirties. Of the previous century, I mean.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
I can’t answer this because I am hiding from the police and the mafia… that’s Maffia with capital M, Paolo… and they would immediately recognise me, but this cast is really ugly.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Why are those questions so unappealing indeed? I don’t have habits. A little sherry every night is not a habit, it’s a necessity. It’s got medical purpose.
Answer the question.
(thinks) No, really, Paolo, I can’t think of everything. So let’s say my truthfulness. I can’t lie and pretend I have habits.
What scares you about getting older?
Paolo! This is not a question you can…
The interview has this question, Karen.
What scares me about getting older is getting older. When I was a child, I thought getting older only happens to other people. And then suddenly you are the age when children your previous age address you as “Madam” and you are no longer carded when buying sherry. I don’t feel I was placed on this Earth to get older.
Which book are you ashamed not to have read?
The oeuvre of Mr P.L. Stuart. Who writes very deep and thoughtful fantasy novels. But I will start on it soon, once I catch up with this week’s new Dannnielle Steeel. Oh, don’t I wish I had her work ethic! Did you know she actually writes three books a week and sends them all to her agent, who picks one at random, and the others are published under other pen names?
Jesus. No. I didn’t need to know that. What was the last lie you told?
I never lie, Paolo, I told you earlier. [So that will be the last lie, then – P] [Karen, if you kick me again, I’m deleting this whole thing – P]
What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Oh dear, this interview feels very revealing. [She’s thinking, I suppose – P] What do you mean you suppose? Of course I’m thinking. You’re almost as bad as my editor Nigel. And my editor Clive. I think my guiltiest pleasure is eating non-vegetarian beef and drinking non-vegan beer.
You are truly something else.
That’s not in the interview. But thank you!
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
To Lassie, whom I exposed, if inadvertently, to the sight of Vasoline’s new face. Are you sure you can’t just write it down and I will dictate?
I don’t want to be re-traumatised either. When I use AI, like for your fake author photos, sometimes something glitches. But never that badly.
Well, you have given me MANY more wrinkles than I have, and made me look much older than I am on the inside, so I see it glitches.
Which living person do you most despise, and why?
I am not the type to despise people, my dear Paolo, but if I can only choose one, then my editor Nigel. EX-editor, make this in capitals, please. The cheek of this man!
What is the worst job you’ve done?
I really botched the paella last week. One-handed paella is a…
As in, work-wise.
I suppose I wasn’t really good as a waitress, so it was lucky that I met an enigmatic billionaire who captured me on his many yachts, but then it turned out that he was a boss of Colombian Maffia, so I would say I did a really bad job there, too.
How often do you have sex?
This filth is in the Grauniad?! Make it Grauniad, I don’t want to get sued. No, I mean in the previous sentence. Thank you. The answer is “not your business, young man.”
It’s a female name, as in, the interviewer’s.
Well, not your business, young pronouns of your choice!
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The third novel in my The Edible Highlander Saga! Haggis MacBrawn’s (no longer a) darkest secret. I feel like I have climbed the Everest of the English language. I don’t understand why Jeffo, who is my publisher, who owns the website Mamazon, says it’s not selling. It should be selling, let me tell you. Have you read it?
Would you rather have sex, money, or fame?
You haven’t answered my question.
You are the one being interviewed.
Oh. That’s right. I’ll ask you later. Money, please. Although, no. I would like to be able to get out of cognito in which I am and achieve the fame I feel I deserve.
How would you like to be remembered?
As a winner of the Booker Prize, renamed to McCompostine Prize in my honour. Are you sure Prize is written with a Z?
What happens when we die, other than me being about to?
That second part is not in the interview either. I will be going to atheistic Heaven. As for you, I don’t know. Isn’t there a place for gay homosexuals called Heaven in London? That’s weird, because why would you go to Heaven when you are still alive? Actually, Paolo, what happens when you die?
I don’t have enough experience yet, but once I do, I will notify you. Thank you, you were a fabulous interviewee. Now stop talking, I have to finish writing this.
But you were writing as we went. [Don’t make me accidentally delete it – P] Oh, okay. Gunther, can you take Lassie for a walk? Do not, I repeat, do not turn right. Left only. Paolo, when is the leatherbound but made of paper so PATE doesn’t throw paint hardcover cover on me Omnibus cominb? You made typos! Fine, I get a hint. I’ll leave you to it.
I really see why Gunther opens his first Aldi Strong beer in the morning and does not quite stop until bedtime. Okay, going to plop some picture on top and I’m done here. Cheers, Paolo x