(This is what I look like in my reality when I delve deep into the reality of my new Novel. About which all is below!)
My dearest, dearest Current and Future Fans and Friends! (CFFF) I know you’ve been waiting with bated breath to hear the news and here it is! The Handwarmers of Immortality is finished (NO THANKS TO CLIVE, my EX-editor) and ready to be purchased on the Amazoo, where my publisher Jeffo made it a pre-order. It is my first foray into the depths of epic, fantasy, grim, and dark. It is also a romantic historical novel (so fear not!) but I have forayed into those two before.
The Handwarmers of Immortality, which is not at all inspired by any movie released in the 1980s of the 20th Century or in fact any movie released in any century, because I don’t want to get sued, tells the story of wee Connie, who is a Scottish, greatly emancipated, and Immortal lass. (Not dissimilarly to me, except I am only ‘wee’ and ‘lass’, but every novel is a bit autobiographical, they say.) I know you have been on the edges as you awaited, and I apologise, but the Muse took Her time, what with Vasoline’s many new faces, Harry’s (with the male pattern balding) affair with Posh Robert, Gunther’s potential gay homosexuality (you know all this if you follow me on Facebook, which you should) and a currently unknown to me number of Swiss euros (ditto, which means it’s also on Facebook) which is in multiple Switzerlandish banks some of which made it into bit coins which means every bit counts as a coin. And there are many bits, because of the help of Louisa of the Ouroboros Wiederschnitze bank. Anyway, because I am digressing from the excitement! There are also men, because 1) fantasy books have lots of men in them, 2) and also phal… I mean p-e-n-i-l-e shaped objects that are not cigars that those men wield in their muscular hands, because you need quite a lot of muscles to wield this sort of fantasy objects, 3) and because it is romantic! (Love always wins. But WHOSE love?!) (It is revealed in the end.)
I have had the best time writing the novel, when I was not being distracted by the many reasons written above. And it is already despite not yet being released in a competition called SPFBO, which I think stands for Special, Particular, Fantastic, Bold, and OMG (I admit I haven’t checked, but you must admit it makes sense when my Novel is in it). It has advanced to the top 30 of a top 10 reviewer already! I told my designer Paolo to put “award medal coming here” on the cover, but he was hesitant (in fact he told me… look at my Facebook, I am not able to repeat it) and is working on the paperback cover edition.
I also exclusively reveal MORE! The Haggis MacBrawn novels, all three, will be connected into one, which they already are, being an Omnibus, but as Jeffo, my publisher of the website Amazoo, insists, that will crunch the numbers louder. I could probably stop caring about the numbers, being in possession of numerous millions of Swiss euros, but I must reveal a secret to you – I dream of achieving in cognito fame. I know this is not how fame works. Nevertheless, I would just like my Novels to reach as many readers as possible and then some. Jeffo told me he will be updating my Amazoo pages on his Amazoo website to “reflect my true identity” and that scared me, because the point of living in cognito is that nobody knows my true identity, but he told me he meant my true identity on the inside, rather than my true identity that the Colombian Maffia and/or police would like to know a bit too much for my liking. And once as Jeffo called it “rebranded” both The Edible Highlander Saga and The Handwarmers of Immortality will finally become available in hardcover cover leather but made of paper because I am afraid of PATE editions. (It’s stunning how much quicker Paolo works now that I paid his invoices.)
We, by which I really mean Paolo with my inimitable assistance, must also update this very website! And since (I forgot to say) the new Novel premieres on MAY 28, 2024 which is in 13 days (bad omen?) from when I am writing this, as you can see I will be very busy! Who knows where the fates and the Muse carry me next? (Hopefully far away from my sister Petunia and her offspring, which currently identifies as Jo’Anne – apostrophe aside, Jo’Anne is my favourite simply by always identifying as Jo’Anne – and D-JAX who used to be Jake, Jacob, Jacquobbe, and many other identities of his, but now DJs (or D-Js)? on his Instagran which I can’t link you to because the Colombian Maffia and/or the Police would immediately find me, but I assure you that you aren’t missing much. (I hope Petunia doesn’t read this.)
Oh, dears. So much more to tell! But I am tired of all this work, and today I am doing the very last round of ‘proof reading’ to ensure I have sent Jeffo the right file to upload to Amazoo and you don’t get a book with Clive’s (my EX-EDITOR) offensive remarks regarding my Art, because Clive has no understanding of Art whatsoever. I should have known better than to work with a MAN who is not even Scottish.
Yours exhaustedly, but lovingly,
Karen xoxo
PS. The photo of me above, on which I am a Princess, is made by my designer Paolo in the AI due to my being in cognito, but NONE OF THE BOOK IS AI-AIDED/MADE/WRITTEN/etc. BY THE AI. I am greatly opposed to the AI since Paolo told me that it takes away people’s jobs, even though he charged me for making my face in the AI, but then he told me it’s also writing novels and that won’t do. Say no to the AI! (Except for my Princess photo.)