Emergency Solved!

My dear Fans!

I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath to hear what happened next with Myrna and Harry (you won’t be hearing about Smug Robert, I’m afraid) (I am not afraid at all). And the developments developed unexpectedly in a good way!

I have been greatly suffering due to Myrna and Harry causing a SCENE inside my house, which has then had police called into by my disgusting neighbour Vasoline with the plastic lawn (about which in a moment!) because as a good friend I permitted Myrna to sleep in my spare bedroom. This had three disadvantages. 1) Myrna yelling in the pillow, punching it with her fists, and crying at it. 2) Myrna taking a break from all this to grab me by the collar and yell at me “why? why are men like this?” when I am not even a man, but Gunther’s tank top has no collar and also she’s not in strongwoman contests necessary to lift Gunther off the armchair. 3) Myrna SNORING. I was actually afraid Vasoline would call the police again and tell them illegal house renovations are undergoing all night next door with all the drilling, but then Vasoline had her party and now it is I who can look smugly.

It was one of those Saturday evenings where there is no air outside, just humidity. But when you close the windows, there is even more no air inside, just even more humidity. The choice has been made for me, because Vasoline invited her girlfriends and cocktail gays to do things such as sing-a-longs to songs by the Space Girls (who were very popular before you were even born, dear Fan, and it doesn’t matter how old you are), trilling “my dearest twin sister, I love you so much, burp” (this is when I discovered there is an even worse sound than that of Vasoline’s voice, and it’s TWO Vasoline’s voices). At the end, resigned, I put two pairs of earplugs into my ears, and tried to read a Sally Roneey novel to bore myself to death, but even through that I could hear the mix of drilling and Mandona’s many greatest hits such as Love a Prayer or Exotica (which has a much more dirty title, in fact, but it’s not the title that’s the problem, it’s a double Vasoline cracking the glass in my windows).

Finally, I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I was woken up by a sound I haven’t heard for a while. Myrna laughing her lungs out! She pointed at the window in front of my house. So, Vasoline and her “partner” Dishwasher Man normally sweep their “lawn” which as I found out is made of plastic. Vasoline was MOPPING her lawn, because somebody threw up all over it. Possibly more than one somebody. With immediate jolt of electric energy waking me up into joy, I took Lassie for a walk in front of Vasoline’s house many times (as in, we walked back and forth, yes, I am a vengeful woman scorned when you call the police to tell them there is violence happening inside my house of ill repute) and listened to Vasoline trying not to swear when in earshot of me as she mopped her lawn.

Dear Fans.

It was beautiful.

And then more beautiful experiences happened, as if by coincidence in unison!

Since both Myrna and I blocked Harry’s number on our smart phones, not to receive phone calls from him, and wishing we knew whom he chose as his divorce lawyer in advance so that we could block those numbers too, I heard knocking on the door (I was back home, because Vasoline gave up and sent the Dishwasher Man to continue polishing her plastic lawn, and that isn’t half as funny). It was, as you have guessed, Harry. Myrna was about to start yelling at him as I was about to smash the door in his face, when he dropped on one knee and handed her a small box. This kind of stupefied us a bit. After interminable wait of at least ten seconds, as Harry, his bald head, and the bump awaited and so did I, Myrna opened the box and what she found inside was…

Oh! I ran out of space. I will tell you in the next blog post on my blog, and I will also tell you about my vegan dinner from hell, and about what happened before, which was worse than that, because at least during the dinner I could drink my not vegan wine as Andreas condemned me silently (due to being vegan) (as in, Andreas) and my designer Paolo condemned me silently also (due to not drinking wine, which in retrospect might not have been the best thing to bring over to the vegan dinner, I could have simply had a small bottle of vodka in my handbag and excuse myself to the gay men’s powder room every fifteen minutes).

With love and light,

Karen xoxo