(I have to figure out how to add emojicons on the computer)
SO! As you will know, my dear Fans, my neighbour Vasolina (with the nice “garden” which consists of tiles) has a “partner”, the Dishwasher Man. Imagine my shock and surprise, when I heard a VROOM of a motorcycle outside her door! Gunther, who just so happened to open a window and stick his head out to see whether there is something important to look at which is not at all related to Vasolina, told me there was an OLDER MAN arriving on the motorcycle. As you imagine, I was very shocked indeed! There goes Vasolina, with her boyfriend Dishwasher Man, and SUDDENLY older men arrive on their motorcycles!
Gunther suggested it was her father, but I have seen her father, and the only thing he would do with a motorcycle would be run away from it screaming. (He’s the “I couldn’t possibly kill this mosquito that is SUCKING OUT MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW because nature is precious and also please pass me my fainting couch, as the cloud I saw earlier reminded me of my teacher” type.) So, I naturally thought, Vasolina got rid of the Dishwasher Man (whom, truth be told, I haven’t seen around for at least two days). IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when the very next morning I happened to be looking at the back of the house in case there was something important to be looked at, unrelated to Vasolina, and I saw the Dishwasher Man breakfasting with her!!!
You see, the reason why this is so shocking is that I am working on a Novel called “My Two (Not Gay) Gang Biker Boyfriends” and – DO YOU SEE? There is Vasolina, with her boyfriend, while there is an older man arriving on a motorcycle (!!!) (I really need to learn how to add emojicons from the computer, does anyone know?) Coincidence?! I don’t think so! And then I needed the fainting couch, because she was having a Jacuzzi Party (eyeroll emojicon) and there were TWO motorcycles in front of her house. Which I noticed by accident. Since I am not the prying type. Just thought I would mention this in case you thought otherwise.
Vasolina.
Is.
Having a Jacuzzi Party.
With two (not gay) men on motorcycles.
I needed some sherry after that. What’s next?! Is she going to turn out to be an immortal, claymore-wielding spoiler spoiler?! (I am also working on my epic grim dark fantasy romantic historical novel, as you know, my current Fans. My future fans might need to catch up.) I found myself, which is unlike myself, dying of curiosity. Has she broken into my computer by hacking and found out?! Or was she reading my blog?! Don’t you think sometimes things seem a bit TOO coincidental?!
And then.
The disappointment crushed me. 🙁
The Dishwasher Man is simply having a midlife crisis and he bought a motorcycle. The other man was his friend who was telling him how to actually use a motorcycle. (The Dishwasher Man isn’t the sort of man who reads manuals or gets driving licences.) And then, out of gratitude I suppose – or, if you have seen Vasolina’s jacuzzi, out of hatred – he was invited to join them.
Since then, Dishwasher Man has repeatedly used his motorcycle indeed, to make VROOM VROOM sounds (the friend apparently showed him how to remove the “silencer” to make VROOM VROOM louder which is what men with dongdongs below 10 centimetres do) and nothing else. My dear Readers, do I wish I was kidding, as I sometimes do in my Novels which contain elements of humour! Alas! This is the only thing that Dishwasher Man has so far done. VROOM VROOM. This made Vasolina laugh hysterically (and me, too, although for what I suppose are different reasons) and I am also considering suing them, although I am not sure for what. VROOM-ing? Midlife crises?
But what the real crushing disappointment is?
Gunther not only hasn’t recognised the Dishwasher Man. He called him AN OLDER MAN. You may call me a cougar-snatcher, but yes, Gunther is slightly younger than I. And so is the Dishwasher Man (although he is less slightly younger than I).
Out of sheer desperation I have eaten Andreas’s (Andreas is my designer Paolo’s vegan “partner” which means either a boyfriend or a husband, but since I am not the prying type, I stopped asking after the fourth time Andreas said it was PARTNER in what I could tell were capital letters) vegan Greek kofta salad with vegan kofta, which we left out for the dogs (other dogs, obviously, not my beloved Lassie) with actual kofta from Aldi, and do you know, once you throw some meat in this vegan food, it’s absolutely delicious. Also, because I don’t have to make it all by myself. Even Gunther enjoyed it, although obviously (eyeroll emojicon) not as much as he would enjoy it if it was a Prongles salad with a Greek Prongle-roll next to it.
I will not put Vasolina or Dishwasher Man in my Novel “My Two (Not Gay) Gang Biker Boyfriends” because they don’t deserve it. But oh, my Fans! I will save the REAL disappointment of soul-crushing proportions for the next blog. It has to do with my life in cognito. (crying emojicon)
PS. One of my Fans (I love you both so much!) suggested I should have a Facebook (I know what that is, I’m not that old) and a Patrion (which sounds like something for Americans) and I am of two minds (three, technically) about all this. Paolo, who is not living in cognito, has an Instagram. (I found out he has no Twitter which is such a relief!) I asked where to find it and he told me it’s for only fans. I wouldn’t make a good actress, so I did not insist I was his only fan. But I can’t have an Instagram, because it’s for photos, and living in cognito is CRUSHING my soul sometimes.
Should I have a Facebook and/or Patrion? Do I need to post pictures on Patrion where I wave guns and Bibles? Because I don’t have either (this applies both to Facebook and Patrion, and guns and Bibles) at the moment. I feel like I should just dedicate myself to my art and–
Gotta go. Gunther is having a fit because he ran out of Aldi strong beer and it’s Sunday tomorrow.